The Beginning to the End, hopefully

Hmmph..well, here I am. I'm sitting on my bed on this sometimes beautiful summer day, it's kind of cloudy but the sun is beating through the window, I feel it on my back, but the second it starts to feel nice, it goes away. Kind of how I feel about myself lately. Don't get me wrong, I like myself, hell, I'd be friends with myself! but I don't physically like myself, not anymore....and I haven't for some time now. Hopefully this blog will help me sort through those feelings.

First, I want to just explain that while I hope to get to know all of you (if anyone is actually reading this) on a personal level, but for the time being, I can't. I can't because..well...this is a secret, my secret, my secret journey through something that I have wanted for a very very very long time. This is a WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY- with the DUKAN DIET

Wow, I can't believe I actually said that, I can't believe I'm actually writing a weight loss blog. BAH!!

I guess my story begins well into my childhood. I think the first time I ever really felt like I was the ugly girl was when I was 8 maybe? I remember there was a girl in my class that had this really nice pretty white peasant shirt and she wore it and I really liked it, I think I went home that day and I asked my mom to get me something like it, but we didn't have a lot of money, and my mom was always in a really bad mood when I was a kid (later I learned that she was, and still is, an alcoholic -- but she's recovering now) any way, I don't think I ended up getting the shirt, but I remember going to school and thinking I would never be as pretty as that girl, and from then on, I always compared myself to what the other girls in my school had. I know, it's sick right? an 8 year old thinking like that? well it went on for a really long time. I was never popular in school, I never had nice clothes, and I had this thing with boys, they just never really paid attention to me. I never really knew why until I was in 4th grade, I didn't have many friends, I think I had one friend in my class, she lived in a really big house and had a lot of the coolest clothes, and the most popular girl in my class didn't like me at all, I dont know why, she just didn't, and she tried to steal my friend. When I tried to be the popular girls friend she said she didn't like me because I was fat. OH HELLO NEGATIVE BODY IMAGE, NICE TO MEET YOU.

Now you're probably thinking, this girl must have been a really overweight child. But truthfully, I wasn't that overweight, probably 10 pounds as a 10 year old girl? but think about it, at 10 years old, we are at the most impressionable we ever could be, and this is what I hear? I'm sure I went home and ate some milano cookies or something out of my cupboard because I was sad that she told me I was fat.

I guess that was the start of everything, from then on I always was quiet, I hated gym class, I lived in stretchy pants and t shirts, I had a few friends, and I just tried to be content with myself while loving to sneak cookies and cake and all other goodies that represented "fat" because that's what I was. It probably would have been easier to try and tackle the problem then, but I didn't.

On to middle/high school. 4 best friends, some acquaintances later.. I started to lighten up on myself, kind of accepted myself for what I was. Meadeocar (sp?) at best, physically, and intellectually. My 4 best friends each kind of had the little niche they fit into, there was the smart one, the funny one, the cute one, and then there was me, which one was I? I know they loved me, but I was always the brunt of their jokes calling me stupid, ugly, not funny. I didn't get it really. It wasn't until I turned 16 that these things really caught up to me. They were my friends and I loved them dearly, but their jokes hurt my feelings, and I never understood why they did it. I said it to them one day, why do you say these things to me, and my one friend, we'll call her Jill, said "We don't mean it, it's just that...you're the prettiest one of us, and we do it as a joke..to make us feel better" WOAH, did that really just happen? Did she really call me pretty?

I found myself looking in the mirror that night, I smiled to myself, and I saw something that I didn't know was there. Beauty. I'm not going as far as to say that I am absoloutley gorgeous or even beautiful, but at the moment, and even now, I know that I am a pretty girl, I do have a nice face, but I still struggle every day with the rest of my body. If I could be a floating head sometimes I think I would!

I stand 5'3" tall. and I weigh 190 pounds.

I hate to say that. I do. It like, gives me stomach cramps everytime  I look at those numbers. But it's the bitter truth. and I need to do something about it once and for all.

I just realized this blog entry is really long, but there is more to say. I hope you stick with me for just a few more pararaphs :-)

When I was 16 I got my first real boyfriend. That lasted amost 2 Years. I found myself going from about 150 pounds to probably 180. When we broke up I dropped 20 pounds easily from stress. I was single for  almost a year when I started dating my current boyfriend (5 years together now). I gained that 20 pounds back plus 10. Nice. NOT

So I'm here now to embark on yet another diet. I say another because over the past 5 years since gaining this weight, I have tried to do the 6 week body makeover diet (lost about 10 pounds before giving up) and i did the whole weight watchers online deal too, that was soo easy to cheat on, Forking over the 50 bucks for 3 months was basically a waste.

I got word of the DUKAN DIET around the time of the royal wedding (yay will and kate) I noticed Kate looked slimmer. I was watching E! News and they said she worked the Dukan for a few weeks before the wedding and it worked wonderfully. It got my mind going. I contemplated looking into the diet, but I couldn't help but think about all the other failed attempts. Why would this be so different?

I gave in to my curiosity on Monday June 13, after I took the biggest exam of my life for my future career, I figured hey, this test is going to change my professional future pass or fail, might as well change  the physical future as well. I purchased the book at B&N for $20. I dont remember the last time I spent 20 bucks on a book, let alone a diet book. This thing better be worth it.

It's Friday now, I'm 100 pages in. This man is amazing. I love how he gives you persciptions and no loop holes. He tells you it's all or nothing. I love his methods of teaching his readers how to succeed. This is a marvelous book. Whether you plan on dieting with the dukan or not, it has some valuable nutritional information anyone could use.

I plan on finishing the book over the next three days, and beginning my dukan diet journey once I close the back cover. I feel it best to read the book through, then re-read each phase as I enter it. I like to know what I'm getting into if you know what I mean.

I hope this blog finds you when you need to relate to someone, be it for weight issues, friend issues, professional life, or love life. I'm a normal girl, 24 years old. I should say woman.

While I won't reveal my real name, where I live, or what I look like, I am a real person, capable of real feelings, and possibly some real advice too. I want to read blogs and relate to them, I hope some of you can relate to my blog too.

You can call me Baye. It's not my name, but it's serene and calming, and That is what I am looking for through this journey. Calmness and fulfillment.

Hope to hear some you, if anyone's out there

xx. Baye

PS >> the inspiration behind this blog came from reading the success stories on www.dukandiet.com Brianna in particular. Shes wonderful. check her out. http://beatlekitten.blogspot.com/